Here we observe five magnificent adult tires in a resting position. More accurately, four decent specimens and one gnarly individual which the others appear to be protecting.
On closer inspection, they are all well past their prime. There will be no mercy shown them when I cull this herd!! (The lone tire on the ground is actually a domesticated tire which is used as a bumper guard on the tractor. Best if you don't ask, or second guess my counting skills.)
Once the tires have been removed from their rims, they will be loaded into my truck and shipped off to the place where junk tires go. TO DIE.
Where do they all come from? This is the question I'm regularly asked. Even the guys at the disposal, the guys who know my dog on a first name basis, have asked me where all these tires come from. Well there is really only one explanation, one which until last week was merely a theory and has now been proven.
They find their way into the long grass and MULTIPLY! It's the only explanation that makes sense. To keep the tire numbers down, the males and females would have to be carefully separated.
Clearly, for the past five or twenty years or so, the males and females have not been carefully separated at the Old Homestead.
The problem, however, is that the genders are incredibly difficult to tell apart.
Mike the Vet brought over a load of hay for us on the weekend. (It's gotta be good hay if I buy it from the vet, right?) As it turns out, Mike the Vet has had a small problem with pickup trucks breeding behind his barn. But that's another story, another zoomophological expedition, another blog post.
Anyways. We asked Mike the Vet how best to tell the males from the females, in order to keep the population down. It doesn't really matter, since I fully intend to ERADICATE THE ENTIRE HERD but I was curious.
"Oh it's simple," he said. "The females have a big hole in the middle."
I suspect Mike the Vet could be yankin' my chain here.
Tire reproduction appears to be a mystery. I am working on a new theory that paired tires are not even necessary to create new ones. Maybe it takes multiples of two, as pictured, which suggests that tires are not very choosy and do not mate for life. I generally lean towards my first theory: tires do that asexual or whatever it is thing, like worms.
I'm pretty sure I'm right about this. One tire left under a tree can sprout into three tires in less than a year.
My ol' man made a discovery in the bottom of the yard the other day. He was weedwhacking, because I do NOT do any weedwhacking, what with it being loud, and with my hatred for the exhaust from stupid little engines. As he was trimming the long grass, he came across a nest of small tires!
Ha! We've got them now! Totally unfazed by their small size and diminutive cuteness, we moved them to a location more easily accessible by pickup truck.
They will be taken off to the disposal yard before they mature and have a chance to spawn more!!
Don't look at me like that - it's not cruel. They are not an endangered species. At least not around here.
But they will be soon, as I continue on with my quest to make the Old Homestead into an Tire-Free zone. After this, any strays will have to move on to a Wild Tire Sanctuary if they know what's good for them.