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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Drugs make no sense

You take a pill meant to stop those suicidal thoughts you've been having.  One of the side effects listed is "suicidal thoughts."

You take a pill meant to protect your stomach from those other pills.  One of the side effects is "nausea."

How the heck does that work?  

I'm being a good little patient and taking my pills, waiting the recommended two weeks, until all of this will supposedly pass and I'll be feeling right spiffy.

I've been on Side-effexor for over a year now.  A week ago the dosage got upped.  I was feeling rather barfy (although I didn't barf -I'll stand on my head if it means not barfing) but I was actually kind of... okay.  In fact I felt pretty solid.  Hey man, my guts are boiling but I'm cool with it, dude!  Yeah!  

Yesterday it wore thin.  I'm sick of it.  I hate feeling yucky for four hours every morning, I'm frustrated, and those negative thoughts are invading my head again.  I know how to stop those thoughts, replacing them with positive ones, but it's tiring and doesn't leave much room for productivity and creativity.  

I'm not for or against anti-depressants.  I've done it with and without.  I've done the naturopathic way too.  I know when to go get help.  I do not know the best way to deal with this and doubt I'll ever know.  

I kind of hate it that it's difficult to ride a horse in this state.  This crimps my plan.  It's hard to ride faster than a walk when you feel like The Puke is right up in the throat.  Yiccchh.  

I try not to whine and I prefer not to spill all this on my blog but... I've learned that I'm not the only one dealing with crap like this.  That's been good for me.  I used to be too quiet about depression and other problems and it just created a sense of shame.  No shame.  Screw shame to the wall and let it hang.  Here we are, how do we deal with it?

I don't have answers.  I'm just concentrating on counting my blessings:

home
husband
children
family
dog
horses
God
friends
books

and even though it causes me a lot of difficulty

my brain.

That's all for today.  Drugs make no sense but I'm faithfully following DOCTA-CHAN'S orders, in hopes of a good result.  We'll see.  

I'm going to go ask my loved ones for some hugs now.  I think it's been scientifically proven that hugs are magically medicinal, right?

19 comments:

Nicole said...

Have a cyber hug from me, Girl. I applaud your bravery.

((H))

Heidi the Hick said...

Thank you Nicole. Cyber hugs really help too.

Heidi the Hick said...

(I don't feel brave, but thank you for saying it.)

dilling said...

hugs do help...
dr. mc QT just upped my dose of Paxil, too, while I was still up and high from all the good shit going on around here...we thought it would be a good time to do it since I was "high" from all the wickid goodness going on...so when I come down, maybe I don't fall as far down as I was before all the good shit started happening...

Heidi said...

I think you're amazing. Your honesty and your determination to keep plowing ahead, despite your brain and body telling you to curl up...

I think you're amazing.

I send cyber-hugs as well. And lots of love.

JKB said...

I send you hugs too...and also, petting the dog is very medicinal, just FYI.

I hate drugs as well. And I also hate to barf.

Lynn Sinclair said...

Oh, Heidi, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like crap, but I do know our planned visit to the shelter is going to make you feel so much better. Can't wait!

CindyDianne said...

I've been feeling bad about feeling bad. It really is nice to know I am not cooking in the soup alone. Go check out my redneck gardening. Maybe it'll made you feel better, who knows?

mugwump said...

I get the tired. I get putting your head down and just slogging through the mud.

Paul Tee said...

The worst period of my life was when, after 25 years, I gave up smoking nearly 2 packs a day for the final time, quitting cold turkey. I spiralled down into a sustained depression, that went from acute to low grade over three years. I didn't mind the withdrawal, the mental anguish, for those reminded me exactly why I was quitting, it was having to cope with my thoughts being taken over by the craving, when every second thought returned to cigarettes. So I know about unwanted thoughts invading the brain, be it through the front or cleverly insinuating themselves through the back door. I hated that it stole and monopolized my time.

From what you write I think you are doing all the right things, using every prop, every tool to help yourself. And the fact you write and document your states, look directly in the mirror, is a big plus. You do not hide in the shadows, and that frees you of the shame. You don't have to pretend or rationalize.

It is so important to reward yourself and seek solace in whatever works for you. And you are doing it. A brave person is not brave for doing brave things, but for doing necessary things. I salute you; "keep up the good fight."

Btw, I have since learned that the worst time for me was when I started losing family members, and having to bury them, and afterward face the holes of their absence. Paul Tee

Got Appies? said...

If you're looking for a different med, might I reccommend Remeron? I'm on it now, and it works AMAZINGLY for both depression and anxiety AND insomnia. A total wonder drug for me. Maybe it'd work for you as well?

No matter what, know that lovey prayers are coming your way.

hayseed said...

hug from me too

dilling said...

i think for those of us with sensitivities? the two week period is more like 4-6 weeks. I was a goner at the initial prescription and at every increase since...even though i am still not even taking what other folks take every day. right now, even, i question if the paxil is working...although i absolutely know the anxiety is less, not so sure about the other stuff...but the anxiety relief is so nice that i am loathe to express my doubts about the depression effects to Dr. McQTPie.

dilling said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pseudosu said...

Big hug and a little squeezy shoulder shake from me. Lot's of luv vibes your way hon. Sorry it's hard. :/
No advice, just warm thoughts.

Heidi the Hick said...

I wish I could really express my appreciation for all of your comments.

Just...

Thank you.

Olly said...

Ya know what? The older I get, the more "Mother's Little Helper" makes sense to me. How did Mick Jaggar become so insightful all those years ago? I always thought he was kind of an idiot...

Heidi the Hick said...

heh hehe

disa said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.