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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

What Unicorn Ranchers wear to do chores...

Holy smokes, did you see American Idol last night? Did you see what Paula Abdul was wearing???? Wow. Just, wow.

Tragically, I can't find any pictures of the incredible outfit. None. But I have to tell somebody about it because it was PHA-NOMENAL.

NEWSFLASH! You must go to the amazing GO FUG YOURSELF because THEY HAVE PICTURES!!!

Now first of all, remember that I'm not really very sarcastic. If I say that I adore Paula Abdul, I mean it.



She's little, like me, she has great hair, she always finds something nice to say about everybody, she has often busted out very real tears on TV, and sometimes can't finish her sentences. Like me. Sure I can do sentences here, but you should see me in real life. Cuz like, um, it's the uh... yeah.

She cracks me up. I was especially susceptible to being cracked up last night because I'm all medicated and belly-achy and shaky from not eating much for the last week. And Paula was in fine form last night.

So the show, blah blah blah, I love it, it's good entertainment, it gathers the family around the old Radiation King before bedtime! It gives us huge topics of conversation!

I don't have any photos from last night. Geez, get the website updated, doncha know some bloggers need pictures????

David Cook -awesome!




Michael Johns sang it like he meant it!



Brooke White is excellent!



Chikeze is adorable and I want him to do more country bluegrass!



And looking at Carly Smithson is like looking at my sister-in-law twenty years ago, (only without the tats.)




But that was not the highlight of the show. oooooh no.





I will now attempt to explain, since I can't find any pictures, what Paula was wearing.

Hair done up in some kind of flippy chignon updo sort of thing.

High necked, sleeveless, sparkly evening gown sort of garment of some vague shade that might have been silver or taupe or maybe a combination of those two nebulous non-colours.

One shoulder appeared to have more fabric than the other.

And- oh my gosh- what at first appeared to be satin elbow length black gloves.

But on closer inspection appeared to be rubber or latex.

With no fingertips.

With two sparkly bracelets on each wrist.

And a big honkin ring on one abbreviated finger.

And then when she stood up to applaud Kristy's genius song choice -seriously, who's not going to vote for that? -- it turns out that Paula is not wearing an evening gown at all. It's a top. And it looks like her pants are made of the same material as her gloves.

Whoa.

I have long suspected that she's a Unicorn Rancher and I think this proves it. I can't tell you how often I wish I could just say "SCREW IT! ALL OF IT! I'M DROPPING OUT OF SOCIETY AND I'M GONNA RAISE UNICORNS!"

And people, when I drift out to feed my unicorns, I would wear something like that. Fairy dust won't stick to those gloves, right?

My mom has a habit of calling me after young Archuleta sings, and asking me how wonderful he is.



I agree and then ask her if she saw what Paula was wearing. My mom's not a Unicorn Rancher and I think Paula's crazy genius is sort of lost on her. Oh my gosh, I love Paula. She brightens my life.

She is, if I may use her own words, "a blend of all the favourite colours I know."

She said that to Jason Castro a couple of weeks ago. I almost lost my mind. What an amazing quote. And she just made it up on the spot.




I think he could be a Unicorn Rancher too. I love it when he blanks out mid-interview. Dude actually admitted last night, after Dad Cowell gave him heck for slacking off, that yeah, he could practice a little more...!



And yes, Simon Cowell, people can have colours in their voices. But Simon probably can't see unicorns either. Geez.

52 comments:

coffeypot said...

I know I am a curmudgeonly old shit and that I am not very hip, but, pray tell, what is a Unicorn Farmer?

Heidi the Hick said...

Oh you know, unicorns are pretty, and baby ones are really cute, and like, just because nobody can see them doesn't mean they're not real!!!

If you spend a lot of time daydreaming in Unicorn Land, then you could be a Unicorn Rancher.

I'd like to have a whole 100 acre field full of them.

It would be nice.

Jethro said...

OK. I think Simon Cowell is awesome. I honestly don't know how he can stay sane listening to so many dreadful, half-baked performances, sitting beside Ms. La-La Unicorn land. These people do not need encouragement. They need to be stopped. This kind of coddling is what had brought them to compete on Idol instead of going home and working on their craft.

Simon: "That was absolutely dreadful"
Singer: "Well, my granpa says I'm really good"
Simon: "Well go and sing for him then..."

THAT is the kind of clear, rational thinking that is sorely lacking in todays world of hand-holding, unicorn-loving, supportive, encouraging environment these kids grow up in. Somebody has to tell them that they suck.

The spectacle of watching somebody who really is a dreadful performer being cut down to size is exactly why people are watching.

The truth is that many of these people are destined to be performing on cruise ships, theme parks, doing weddings and bar-mitzvah's, etc., and good on them. Somebody has to do those gigs. But developing a real, career artist from a reality show has become the only financial vehicle left in a decimated entertainment business, post downloading and pirating...

You get what you pay for people...

Not ready to be a Unicorn Rancher yet.

Heidi the Hick said...

Jethro, baby, tell me what you're thinking! You never open up to me!

Let's talk about your feelings!

(IN case you're wondering people, he's right here beside me and we're passing the macbook back and forth. Nice marriage.)

He'll change his mind when he sees all those pretty unicorns outside his studio, grazing on fairy dust while he ProTools another DREADFUL recording...

mwa hahahahaha....

Heidi the Hick said...

I think these meds are starting to migrate to my head.

The Adult in Question said...

HAHAHAHA I am laughing my ass off at Jethro's response. The only time I watch that show is when they do auditions at the beginning of the season because Simon tears a strip off these idiots who come out to perform...I mean what about the chicken catcher guy in the UK...that was hilarious. Thanks Jethro I'm in class laughing like a lunatic.

The Adult in Question said...

My bad he works in a chicken factory.

dilling said...

That whole show makes me cringe... and not in a good way. Why don't I "get it?" Why? I did make it through one half of one episode of the Paula Show (whatever it is called) open mouthed, squirming and clutching my blanket around me like I was watching a horror movie or something...shudder.

I just don't get it.

Marni said...

I LOVE this post.

I thought her blouse was torn or something... she cracks me up.

As do you! A Unicorn Rancher... so flippen funny!

Heidi the Hick said...

My daughter is the original Unicorn Rancher.

Unicorn Land is so much more interesting than all that boring real life stuff. She's just gotta go there every now and then for a break, y'know?

Heidi the Hick said...

and Dilling- yes, that show is extremely uncomfortable to watch most of the time.

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me...

Anita said...

Ok. I have a confession.
I have never, not once, seen American Idol... I know, I have been told so many times what I'm missing, but I never seem to think to turn on the television...

Adaora A. said...

Is Chickeze Nigerian? I'm certain at least one of his parents are, his name tells me this. My name is Nigerian too: Adaora.

I've not followed this season I'm afraid. It sounds good though.

Am now - thanks to you - desperate to see this dress that you speak of.

Heidi the Hick said...

Anita, it's okay, you can get all the info you need here, hahaha!

Adaora, yes, he's Nigerian. I'm not sure if he was born there or in the U.S. but his parents still have an accent.

I have a cousin who was born in Nigeria! She spent the first two years of her life there.

Biddie said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I agree with Jethro.
I think that whatever meds that Paula is on help her to see the Unicorns. Seriously. Nobody can be that LALALALA without some heavy drugs.
I think percocet, personally.
When I was on them, I saw Unicorns.

Heidi the Hick said...

WAHT????


You have to have drugs to see Unicorns????


(shhhhhh!)

Biddie said...

Don't HAVE to, it just helps :)

Tod said...

I can't watch em anymore. You guys are about ten seasons behind us.

We've had:

Popstars
Popstars the rivals
Pop Idol
& The X-factor

It has turned into a tired old formula over here, yet funnily enough is still the biggest thing on some of the channels.

Heidi the Hick said...

Yeah it all started in the UK.

Isn't X Factor the one with the famous Chicken Factory guy?

Stunning.

Olly said...

Loved Jethro's comment! Like Dilling, I don't "get it" either. I have about a 5 minute tolerance for the Mariah-like caterwauling and everyones' sickening need to be a star. Then again, I can't handle Survivor, or anything like that much either. I have tried to watch but get bored fast.

Really feel left out when the big topic of conversation is about these shows. With TV so bad these days I sure have found more to do. So I guess maybe these shows do have a good side, lol.

Heidi the Hick said...

Okay who's bright idea was it to send Chikezie home????

Geez!

Olly don't feel bad if you hate reality TV. That's what books are for!

rain said...

I go with the "uncomfortable to watch" crowd. But yet, I can't turn away. I kinda think Paula needs to go to the rehab centre for reality show judges. Do you think Ryan and Simon really hate each other? All that conflict makes me twitch. But I love Simon. How does he hold his head up in public? It's not like he needs the money~.

Balloon Pirate said...

I've heard that Paula's on some sort of TV show or another. I've never seen it. Ever.

Actually, I must admit to watching one episode. This was four years ago, when I was working an NCAA tournament in Buffalo, and it snowed so hard that they closed the Thruway, so I had to stay there. One of the other guys who was working it allowed me to stay with him for half the cost of the room, but I had to watch the show with him.

I had to actively watch it. My other choice was sleep in the van.

So I watched.

Paula's not a unicorn rancher. She's the Unicorn Whisperer.

yeharr

Heidi the Hick said...

You are correct sir.

They understand her.

JKB said...

Er...didn't I comment? I'm sure I did. I'm not crazy.

Didn't I comment? (Now I'm a little worried)

I remember commenting....?

Heidi the Hick said...

Maybe the unicorns took it!

Maureen McGowan said...

LOL Great post, Heidi.

I want to live in your world. I don't see enough unicorns...

JKB said...

Hm maybe so!

Unicorns, d*mn you! *shakes fist in impotent anger*

dilling said...

um, I hate to break this to you, Heidi...there is only one way to see Unicorns and since you have two kids, it just ain't gonna happen.

Heidi the Hick said...

Yes but I remember them....





it was a heck of a long time ago.

Lynn Sinclair said...

Are you taking notes on Paula's wardrobe for your own Juno outfit? You must take pictures!

Heidi the Hick said...

Hmmm... ideas....

Heather! said...

Hi Heidi,

Unicorn Land sounds awesome! lol

I am always an oddball,I love the idol shows,love singing and music.Even tho,Candian idol last yr..was ummmm..horrible.My ears!

I do like Simon alot tho,I do feel he gets it right "most" of the time.

Paula,doesn't want to crush anyones soul.Leaves it to Simon...ha

Enjoyed your post,I see why Biddie says you are great.

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