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Monday, December 18, 2006

Things that can ruin a marriage

You wouldn't think that a bowl of green beans could cause such a problem.

It's because I have problems with food. It's all tangled up with my grocery shopping problems, and my fear of spending money, and my full on kitchen avoidance. I'm afraid that whatever I make will be either devoured without tasting, or picked at and complained about. I didn't used to be this bad, but it all came up after the breakdown two years ago. The result is that when he's home, my husband cooks, and he loves it, and he's good at it, and nobody complains.

Except for him though, because he feels like as soon as the burners are on and the oven heats up, I disappear. Well, he's right. I drop it and run.

He was hoping last night that since I got the green beans out of the fridge and rinsed them off that I'd stay there and trim them. I was hiding on the couch with a book over my face. He was not happy about this.

Of course I felt pretty bad about it- I feel bad about a lot of things. I leaned on his big chest and apologized. He apologized for getting frustrated with me. I apologized for being so frustrating. We made a deal that he'll glady cook for me, he just doesn't want me to take off and dump the whole job on him. He doesn't want to feel abandoned.

I don't blame him. I don't want to feel abandoned either.

Later on we talked again. I told him that a lot of marriages can't survive when one spouse goes through a bad depression. I thanked him because we could talk it out and come to an agreement. I thanked him for sticking with me.

He insisted that he's not perfect and he's not! But we promised to keep that little agreement we made fifteen years ago in front of 130 people and we want to keep it together.

I can see how little things like this can add up over years and years of hurt feelings and misunderstandings and frustrations and anger. It's not the big things. It's the little things.

I hope it's the little things like apologies and agreements that can make us stronger.

15 comments:

CindyDianne said...

Sure it is the little things like apologies and agreements that keep it together!

Sweet post about the realities of relationship Heidi!

I think I'll go call KB...

Heidi the Hick said...

Call him and tell him you love him!!!

Timmy said...

oh honey! the fact that you talked about it, and didnt go to bed frustrated says it all!

Biddie said...

You guys rock. He loves you like mad, and you love him the same way. Don't EVER go to bed angry, and keep talking. I may suck at marriage, but I sure know all about divorce!

dilling said...

We had a similar talk last night about doing dishes... it is the little things that wear you down...good thing we're "wordy" folks, eh?

Vicki said...

It's wonderful to work through this stuff. We are stronger on the other side.

If I WANTED to divorce my husabnd I could find reasons. If he WANTED to divorce me he could find plety of reasons. however, we want to stay together. This is what it's all about.

Great putting together of words. You told it well.

Vicki said...

It's wonderful to work through this stuff. We are stronger on the other side.

If I WANTED to divorce my husabnd I could find reasons. If he WANTED to divorce me he could find plety of reasons. however, we want to stay together. This is what it's all about.

Great putting together of words. You told it well.

Vicki said...

It's wonderful to work through this stuff. We are stronger on the other side.

If I WANTED to divorce my husabnd I could find reasons. If he WANTED to divorce me he could find plety of reasons. however, we want to stay together. This is what it's all about.

Great putting together of words. You told it well.

Vicki said...

It's wonderful to work through this stuff. We are stronger on the other side.

If I WANTED to divorce my husabnd I could find reasons. If he WANTED to divorce me he could find plety of reasons. however, we want to stay together. This is what it's all about.

Great putting together of words. You told it well.

Anita said...

Things that can save a marriage:

#1: Great communication.

Ya'll seem to have that down...:-)
Nothing worth having is easy...

Great post.

Doughnut said...

Nice post Heidi. Every relationship has risks and "trusting" each other enough to take the risk of talking things out actually reduces the risk of bad things happening in the relationship and, of course, leads to greater intimacy. And what you both have is a "forgiving" spirit....very much needed in every long-term relationship. I sense you two will make it.....my wife and I have for 27 years and it only gets better!

Heidi the Hick said...

I have lots of bad days. You, Jethro, are so stuck with me it isn't even funny.

Yeah, that Death Pact is working out pretty good with us so far, eh?

dilling said...

HI JETHRO!!!!!

Distant Timbers Echo said...

You know... we really can overcome the HUGE things in life by just avoiding them or working them out, but by golly those little things in life just sneak up on ya out of nowhere, don't they?

Crafty Missus said...

thanks for this post. it is nice to read about other normal marriages.
i think it is important to not have unreal expectations in any relationship, but people seem to blow that concept out the window when it comes to couple partnerships. and when you commit to something that HUGE you have to learn to keep things like who cooks supper or say, who doesn't clean the tub, in perspective, and when you blow a gasket, cause you will, be humble enough to admit you are wrong.
but that's what you said....