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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Anniversary Week: The Death Pact


We got married in 1991, in a park in the old hometown, overlooking the river, with our friends and family sitting in folding chairs around the willow trees. We wrote our own vows- it wasn't the trendy thing to do yet back then- and we both wore our cowboy boots. In fact I went out and bought white ones just for the occasion. He and his guys wore black suits instead of tuxedoes, my girls wore cotton dresses (although our seamstress insisted on adding many bits of lace and I had to stop her at bows) and my dress was ivory raw silk. It was very simple; the only fanciness about that dress was the sleeves. They were off the shoulder, bordered by fabric roses, and cuffed with a wide band of lace. I didn't want to look like a wedding cake. I loved that feel of that fabric and that's what I wanted. I didn't wear a veil; instead I held my hair back with a comb which had strings of flowers attached to it. My hair was almost waist length at the time.

Our flowergirl was the official cutest in the world, ever. She wore a white eyelet lace dress and ballet slippers, she was three years old, and spent the whole day looking around with huge questioning brown eyes. If you want proof that we really have been married for fifteen years, and that it really did all happen, that sweet little girl is eighteen now and has just finished her last day of high school. She's gone from cute little girl to beautiful young woman.

My groom had grown out of his shag hairdo by then, and I got very tired of people asking me if he'd cut his hair short for the wedding. No. And he still hasn't.

We were kind of like hippy cowboy bride & groom.

We were 22 and 20 years old.

When we told my mom, exactly a year before, that we were getting married, it was about 2 in the morning. She was on her way back upstairs when we nabbed her and told her. "Oh that's nice," she smiled sleepily. Then she squinted. "Really?" Yes. "Okay." The next morning she cornered me with a quizzical look. "Did I dream that?" She was okay with it. She got married at 19. Besides, we'd been together for three years, three years of surviving the teenage years, and all the turbulence that comes with it. No longer did my parents look at each other and ask if this poor boy knew what he was getting into. He'd proven over and over that he could handle the girl's irrational outbursts and twisted logic and mood swings. We were solid, a good match. To all of those who knew is, it seemed the most natural thing in the world for us to get married.

Any regrets? Well, yes. Not about getting married; that was the best thing I ever did. I regret not being able to afford to invite more people. I regret that I didn't ask my Bestest to be in my wedding party. At the time I was concerned that she'd just had a baby and I didn't want to stress her out. I thought it was too much stress just to have her first daughter get fitted for the cute dress and walk down the aisle. I regret asking Bestest's husband at the time to be the MC because he turned out to be not the nicest guy in the world...and I regret that we've lost touch with a few people since then. And this being not far out of the 80's I have a slight regret that the bridesmaid's dresses may have been a little too flouncy but I can't be too hard on myself because there just wasn't much else available.

So the wedding, blah blah blah. It's nothing. It's one day. It's an awesome day but it's nothing when faced with a whole lifetime of marriage. I know why marriages don't last. There are so many reasons to pack it in and sadly only small few are worth ending a marriage for. It's not easy, folks. I love this man so much it hurts sometimes but is that even enough to keep a marriage together?

Add in the weight and the intrusion of an all consuming career. Add in the babies that take a woman away from her husband physically, mentally, and emotionally. Add in some mental illness. Then keep in mind that men and women are so different to begin with, and that we could spend our entire lifetimes trying to figure each other out.

IT'S WORTH IT. I still get the shivers sometimes when I look at him. After all these years I still find myself forgetting what I was saying because I'm staring into his beautiful green eyes and getting delightfully lost. We know each other better than we know anybody else in the world and that is not only comforting, it's a total thrill. And despite that familiarity we can still sometimes surprize each other.

And remind ourselves and each other that this is it. We're in it for the long haul. Way back when, just out of our teens, we took a long look and asked, "Can I live with this person for the rest of my life? Like, all of it? Fights and all? Get old?"


The truth is, marriage is a Death Pact. "Til Death Do Us Part." As I said to my man on one long dark car ride, "There's only one way out of this marriage. One of us has to die."

Of course being the freaks that we are, this caused us to laugh uproariously for a few minutes. But it's true! I'm not leaving him and he's not leaving me! Not willingly! Don't think I haven't thought about it!!! He's an easy man to live with but his life is not easy to live. How many times have I gotten tired of raising the kids mostly on my own and thought he'd see more of them if he had weekend custody...and then I'd get to sleep for a day? Yeah, I thought of it. But I can't do it. I can't live without him. I can't die without him. I need him. I'm not ashamed of it. It's a need that feels right.

Fifteen years later, we've both grown out of our cowboys boots. He took a massive growth spurt at 25; my feet widened with each pregnancy. We've grown as people, as individuals, and together as a couple. Fifteen years feels like a long way to travel but it's a blink compared to what we've got ahead of us.

17 comments:

CindyDianne said...

My first marriage would have been in it's 17th year now, had it lasted. The divorce wasn't my choice. I was 22 when it was ending. We had been married just 3 years. I fought for the marriage with all I had. I learned the hard way that it only takes one person to break up a marriage and two to stay in it. You and Jethro are fortunate that BOTH of you took the Death Pact to heart. I know you know that, though.

Congratulations on the drop in the bucket you've already been through and on all the goodness that is surely going to come!

Timmy said...

I want to get married!

Heidi the Hick said...

CindyD, allow me to say I'm sorry your first marriage didn't work out. It's like a death, isn't it? But you know you got a beautiful son, and your new man is adorable. God bless ya!!!! and thanks!

Tim, I really believe that you will someday. It'll happen. You can't marry Smartypants for a number of reasons but you'll find the right one for you!!

Well JJ I was afraid at times that I might make somebody barf with all the lovey lovey stuff...but LOVESICK I can deal with! Thanks, babe, and I hope your non-boyfriend arrives safely!

Bunny said...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY WEEK!!
It's so wonderful to hear about people still being THAT in love with each other, especially in today's "throw-away" society!!
Gives us singles something to look forward to!!

Bunny said...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY WEEK!!
It's so wonderful to hear about people still being THAT in love with each other, especially in today's "throw-away" society!!
Gives us singles something to look forward to!!

Biddie said...

I knew that you and Jethro were meant to be.I know that you'll have another 15 +15 years!!It's not all lovey-dovey stuff, though.You and Jethro have worked damn hard, and you deserve years and years of happiness.Happy Anniversary.
Bestest

Heidi the Hick said...

Thank you Kari!!!!!

Bunny, thank you, and yes, there's still hope. It's not easy, ever, but it's there.

Hugs to Bestest! And more thanks than you can ever know!!!!

Distant Timbers Echo said...

You guys are just adorable. I think I might post on how My wife and I met.

Heidi the Hick said...

You mean there's more to that story than the part about her crushing a guy's ribs with her legs???? Let's hear it!

.:.KC.:. the brown eyed girl said...

Well, I got my paragraph. Wow. It's been 15 years, it doesn't seem that long ago to me. Maybe you can renew your vows and fix all your regrets. I think I'm too old to be a flower girl but...
Anyways, I like the way you called it a death pact. I get it but that's mostly because I get your humor.

Heidi the Hick said...

funny you should say that, because we actually did want to do another one. Get married again. To each other. I don't care how old the cute flower girl is now. We'd just have to get another dress...

Heidi the Hick said...

Oh my gosh Nifty!!!
I don't know what to say, other than, yes, there's hope.

Oh and also a warning...Prince Charmings often have a habit of scratching a lot, and letting a belch every now and then, and the odd fart here and there. Hee hee.

You're still young enough to have lots of time to find him. I believe he's out there.

Notsocranky Yankee said...

What a great story. Love the wedding boots! Did you say Jethro still has a shag?

Happy Anniversary week!

Heidi the Hick said...

The shag days are over. Now he has beautiful straight shiny long hair. All one length, hippy style! It's about down to his shoulder blades right now. Every couple of months I comb it down and take the scissors to the ends. Very economical!

About those boots, and us both outgrowing them:
We got another portrait done for our tenth, with the kids. None of us had boots that fit, so we were barefoot! It was cute. We all wore our cowboy hats instead. It was sort of Julia Roberts meets Brad Paisley, or something. Fun!

Xtin said...

Meep. My eyes misted over. Bless you both. x

Pluvialis said...

That last comment was me, not Xtin!

Heidi the Hick said...

Are you borrowing Xtin's hotrodded laptop??

Thank you Pluvialis. (We're about even...I've gotten misty reading your blog at least once!)