Thursday, May 04, 2006
Oh my God! I'm gonna LIVE!!!!!
I have had a head full of everything since the weekend, when we drove past a farm that my dad told us about, one with a stone house and a hip roof barn and a For Sale sign, one that I instantly loved but knew in my heart and in my gut was not mine. I knew it because the first time I saw this house, the one I'm in right now, it was a photocopied real estate listing printed off Jethro's computer at the studio, and just from that fuzzy b+w photo I knew what the layout of this house was, and I knew that it was covered in wallpaper, and that it was waiting for me. Despite being a hundred years too new and not being attached to 50 acres of land, I knew this was my house.
Since Sunday I've had the most confusing chest pain. Not the old anxiety pains alone; it's, sorry for the cliche... longing. I've been praying even more than usual but for what exactly, I don't know.
I won't bore you with the details. All I want you to know is this: I walked away from a depression yesterday.
I don't know what exactly I did or how I did it BUT I DID IT. I WALKED AWAY FROM IT.
I was looking in the mirror, recognized that I felt another one coming on- I usually get two bouts of it each day- and I left the room, got busy, I don't know what. I wish I could say that I decided to not be depressed. It took about three hours for me to even realize that I'd left it behind.
And holy lord, it didn't come back to bite me in the ass twice as hard in the evening as it usually does.
I'm hoping that whatever I did, if I did it once, I can do it again!
I have no doubt that this thing will follow my all my life; I've been dealing with depression, mostly unknowingly, since I was 12 years old and wanted to die. But I don't want it to control me.
Things are POPPING and FIZZING and STRETCHING in my brain. Things are MOVING. I couldn't wait for Jethro to get home last night. I couldn't sleep! I had to tell him all of this! I'M GONNA LIVE!!!!!